A few of the different types of Jealousy Monsters

The Sly Detective

It’s very sneaky (thus the awesomely inspired name) and may come across as natural, happy or even playful. Sometimes it may even seem downright not interested. But don’t be fooled, it has an agenda. Example:

Hey, honey? You know what I remembered today and it just made me piss my pants laughing? That story you told me about that Dan guy? At work? Omg funny, right? Hey, how is that Dan guy? Did you see him today? Do you, like… see him everyday, or what? Cause, you know… he seems like such a fun guy. He also seems like he works out. I mean, cause of what you said with the lifting of the things in that story, with the things? What? Is he like young Arnold, or what? Or… does he, like have a wife, or what?

Yea, that’s not cute. And even if The Sly Detective thinks it’s got it, and it’s being smooth what he’s doing is still very, but very see through. It’s partner can sense what he’s doing right away, and it usually leads to frustration on their end. And the worst part is that when the Detective’s partner calls it up on it’s bullshit, the Detective shape shifts into the next beast:

The Obvious Truth Murderer

The Obvious Truth Murderer just takes the Obvious Truth and murders it brutally (see what I mean about the inspired names? I mean, it’s like wow!). And the most frustrating part is that it murders the truth without any logical argument. Instead he uses his unique now-i’m-mad-at-you-for-saying-that-even-though-you’re-right superpower. Observe:

M: “You were out with that guy tonight!”

W: “No, I wasn’t omg I was at the gym and I CAN’T BELIEVE you’d even think that! YOU JERK! I’m sooo pissed right now!”

M: “But I called Michelle and she said you weren’t at the gym.”

W: “YOU WHAT? HOW DARE YOU CALL MY FRIEND??? You’re an asshole and I can’t even speak with you right now!”

M: “But Dan told me he saw you out with that guy…”

W: “ARE YOU FUCKING SPYING ON ME??? Go fuck Dan if you love him so much! I always suspected you were gay anyway.”

M: “But he told me…”

W: “Your friends hate me and you hate me! Why do you hate me? I thought you loved me!! I was at the gym!”

M: “But Michelle told me…”

W: “Are you fucking Michelle? Jesus, I KNEW IT!!! You cheating piece of shit!!”

M: “Noooo! Omg, I’m not!! How can you say that?”

W: “Then why are you always bringing her up? All I’m hearing is Michelle this, Michelle that.”

It does require to say that The Obvious Truth Murderer is not only fuelled by jealousy. It generally pops up when people have made an oops and they’re trying to cover it. But that’s a different study.

The Wildcard

This particular type of jealousy monster is very, very dangerous. It doesn’t only act like it’s not jealous (like The Sly Detective). It sometimes doesn’t even know it’s jealous. Well, then, what’s the problem? Only everything else…

The Wildcard is just an insufferable partner who lashes out at the smallest things and just generally hates everything it’s better half is doing. By refusing (or not knowing how to) acknowledge jealousy, The Wildcard doesn’t have a clearly defined thing to be angry at, so it’s just angry at everything. Instead of having a focused and localised attack, it just explodes onto the partner (and not in a fun way). (that comment was gross). It will attack like a blind old deaf racist murloc. It doesn’t know why, but it just hates everything.


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