Jenna and Jon

Jenna and Jon have been in a relationship for a while. Everything seems great until suddenly it isn’t:

Day 1: Here comes Mindy. She’s Jon’s new attractive work friend. Jenna is everywhere just shuddered at that word sequence. 

Day 2: Jenna suspects Mindy might want to take Jon away. Or, even worse, Jon might want to get himself some Mindy. So, naturally, in order to keep Jon in her life, she becomes jealous. Jon thinks it’s cute. He might be amused and/or flattered by it and he might even encourage it at first (dumb Jon…) 

Days 3-5: Jon declares his undying love and even makes a grand gesture or two. Jenna is thrilled. She has an amazing 3 days of glorious attention. She is literally high with love.

Day 6: Jenna is happy and hasn’t mentioned Mindy in a couple of days now. Jon thinks “Problemo solvado! Who said women are complicated?” and resumes his natural state of medium-attention-giver Jon (dumb Jon…)

Day 7: Jenna feels insecure. It’s not like her, really. She only feels this way, what? Three times a day? Anyway, the real issue is that Jon has been distant lately. Well, not lately. Just yesterday. But it’s odd. 

            Side note: Jenna has an awful case of stupidfish (I was gonna say goldfish, but their bad memory is actually a myth, so I went with stupidfish). She can only sample the last 3 days in her relationship to get a sense of “normal”. So after the 3 days of Jon vomiting attention all over her, the return to Jon’s actual normal state seems like a decline to her. Poor Jenna.

Day 8: This Jon being super distant thing has been going on for long enough! Plus, Jenna woke up with really stupid hair today.  And omg, Stupid Mindy just posted a stupid picture on Facebook and she looks like a cute whore! That’s the look that Jenna’s always going foooooor! So, naturally, Jenna needs herself some loving. And she dips into the sweet jealousy pot!           

Day 9: Jon is surprised at the return of Jealous Jenna (dumb Jon) Hadn’t he fixed this? And there’s something else going on. He doesn’t think it’s that cute anymore. He might not realise it yet, but he’s less enthusiastic to fix it this time around. 

           Side note: What Jon and Jenna don’t know is that jealousy = insecurity = The Big T.O. (turn off, duh). They both want to be together, but Jenna is slowly becoming less attractive in Jon’s eyes. And, instead of stoping it altogether, they temporarily “fix it” and allow it to grow. Poor, dumb Jenna and Jon.

Day 10: Jenna isn’t quite pleased with the quality of the attention she’s getting. Maybe she’s doing something wrong. Maybe she needs to go bigger to get what she needs. Maybe throw in some paranoia in the mix? And maybe some fights about unrelated things? Jon is always so lovely after Jenna convinces him he made a mistake! She needs to become Super Manipulative Jenna! Relationships evolve, don’t they? 



Repeat a couple of years. 



Jenna: she’s more insecure than ever. She feels that Jon doesn’t love her anymore and she despises him for it. And he acts like a lunatic, anyway. One minute he loves her, the next one he doesn’t care about her. I mean, when he loves her, it’s awesome. They have a wonderful relationship. But then there are the bad days… those horrible days when 24 hours pass and Jon hasn’t mentioned once that Jenna is the sole purpose of his existence. And the only explanation is that he’s clearly too busy thinking of other women to remember poor Jenna. It’s not rocket science! And it’s getting harder and harder to get those simple proofs of love… Jenna now has to slam doors, smash phones, throw clothes out the window and scream louder than ever. And she’s tired.

Jon: he’s more frustrated than ever. He’s doing everything he can think of to make Jenna happy. And all the while Jenna keeps saying he doesn’t love her anymore. … Which is kinda true? But he doesn’t want it to be true. He wants to be happy with Jenna. And he loves her, goddamnit! Even if he feels like he doesn’t love her anymore, he knows that he does! That makes sense, right? Anyway, he’s tired.


A few of the different types of Jealousy Monsters

The Sly Detective

It’s very sneaky (thus the awesomely inspired name) and may come across as natural, happy or even playful. Sometimes it may even seem downright not interested. But don’t be fooled, it has an agenda. Example:

Hey, honey? You know what I remembered today and it just made me piss my pants laughing? That story you told me about that Dan guy? At work? Omg funny, right? Hey, how is that Dan guy? Did you see him today? Do you, like… see him everyday, or what? Cause, you know… he seems like such a fun guy. He also seems like he works out. I mean, cause of what you said with the lifting of the things in that story, with the things? What? Is he like young Arnold, or what? Or… does he, like have a wife, or what?

Yea, that’s not cute. And even if The Sly Detective thinks it’s got it, and it’s being smooth what he’s doing is still very, but very see through. It’s partner can sense what he’s doing right away, and it usually leads to frustration on their end. And the worst part is that when the Detective’s partner calls it up on it’s bullshit, the Detective shape shifts into the next beast:

The Obvious Truth Murderer

The Obvious Truth Murderer just takes the Obvious Truth and murders it brutally (see what I mean about the inspired names? I mean, it’s like wow!). And the most frustrating part is that it murders the truth without any logical argument. Instead he uses his unique now-i’m-mad-at-you-for-saying-that-even-though-you’re-right superpower. Observe:

M: “You were out with that guy tonight!”

W: “No, I wasn’t omg I was at the gym and I CAN’T BELIEVE you’d even think that! YOU JERK! I’m sooo pissed right now!”

M: “But I called Michelle and she said you weren’t at the gym.”

W: “YOU WHAT? HOW DARE YOU CALL MY FRIEND??? You’re an asshole and I can’t even speak with you right now!”

M: “But Dan told me he saw you out with that guy…”

W: “ARE YOU FUCKING SPYING ON ME??? Go fuck Dan if you love him so much! I always suspected you were gay anyway.”

M: “But he told me…”

W: “Your friends hate me and you hate me! Why do you hate me? I thought you loved me!! I was at the gym!”

M: “But Michelle told me…”

W: “Are you fucking Michelle? Jesus, I KNEW IT!!! You cheating piece of shit!!”

M: “Noooo! Omg, I’m not!! How can you say that?”

W: “Then why are you always bringing her up? All I’m hearing is Michelle this, Michelle that.”

It does require to say that The Obvious Truth Murderer is not only fuelled by jealousy. It generally pops up when people have made an oops and they’re trying to cover it. But that’s a different study.

The Wildcard

This particular type of jealousy monster is very, very dangerous. It doesn’t only act like it’s not jealous (like The Sly Detective). It sometimes doesn’t even know it’s jealous. Well, then, what’s the problem? Only everything else…

The Wildcard is just an insufferable partner who lashes out at the smallest things and just generally hates everything it’s better half is doing. By refusing (or not knowing how to) acknowledge jealousy, The Wildcard doesn’t have a clearly defined thing to be angry at, so it’s just angry at everything. Instead of having a focused and localised attack, it just explodes onto the partner (and not in a fun way). (that comment was gross). It will attack like a blind old deaf racist murloc. It doesn’t know why, but it just hates everything.